Have you ever seen the commercials where they’re like “send us a question – any question – and our ‘Special Agents’ will answer right away!” You know what I’m talking about?

Well, I’m a special agent.


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One day I was farting around on the internets and I checked out their website. They had a “Special Agent Challenge” quiz where they asked “if I had what it takes.” I couldn’t resist.

Three weeks later, I’m a special agent. I now answer text messages for money.

What kills me is what people write in to ask. The demographic who uses this service must skew hella young because there’s a ton of questions like “Does Bobby love me?” or “Will I ever find the right one?” These are answers I just make up on the fly… “Of course Bobby loves you, you’re great! Ask us anything!”

For questions requiring solid answers, such as “When was Madonna born?” you have to research or utilize their database. You then have to cite the source within their online processing system and you’re good to go. You pick the next question and roll.

I, of course, like to have as much fun as possible with the whole thing. I think, what would it take to get fired from a job like this? So I make my answers less about the money (10 cents for each answered!) and more about a creative exercise.

Here are this week’s favorites:

Question:
What are the problems with infection from masturbating with a toothbrush?

My answer:
There’s no more risk of infection than masturbating with anything else… but at least your vag will be minty fresh! Ask away!

Question:
can a 15 yr old drugie become succesful?

My answer:
Sure, you can become anything you want in life but you might want to start by learning how to spell the word SUCCESSFUL. We’re here for you!

A customer texts back in reply to a previous answer by someone else:
i asked for some christmas drinks which means more than one you stupid fucks

My answer:
There’s Spiced Punch, The Carolling Cup, the Candycane Swirl, and the Cup of Good Cheer… which is sounds like you could use. Text back for recipes!

You get all this for 99 cents! Ask away!